This Guy Knows What’s Up

With 117 unconfirmed shark sightings in New Zealand since Thursday, one of the country’s only shark experts listed in the Yellow Pages was asked by the mayor to assess the dangers and offer some solutions…

First, he suggests closing down all the beaches. Smart man. Then he offers some excellent advice on what to do if you actually are attacked by a shark.

Well, the first thing to do is to try to ascertain what sort of shark is attacking you. A great white will attack you in a different way than, say, a mako or even a bronze whaler, even a silver whaler for that matter, so it’s important to recognise the signature moves of these ocean predators.

Great whites tend to come at you from below and at pace, and they will attempt to consume you in four mouthfuls or less. It would be like us eating a mixed kebab with only three or four bites.

The mako, on the other hand, tends to be more of a nibbler, starting with the loose bits like legs or testicles.

It would be like eating a kebab with lots of small bites and having absolutely no regard for the structural integrity of the kebab itself. Obviously this is effective but it is also very messy, as chilli sauce and yoghurt are likely to go everywhere.

Once you are fairly sure what sort of shark is attacking you, you will want to take some action to prevent the attack continuing.

Prevention is obviously the best cure, and the best way to avoid most shark attacks is to stay out of the water entirely….

Let’s assume that you actually want to go in the water this summer. I would suggest swimming in a shark cage. These can be expensive to buy, so you might want to lease one.

The latest American research suggests that if you cover your torso in tinfoil much like a kebab it can prevent many sharks taking a second bite, as the foil will irritate the many rows of sensitive teeth. Those large disposable oven trays will also do the trick but there is always the chance that your body will now take on the properties of a giant fishing lure, inviting the initial attack.

Let’s assume you are in the water and for some reason you are not wrapped in tinfoil or have disposable oven trays strapped to your torso, and you are attacked by a great white - what do you do?

If you are expecting me to say don’t panic, you are wrong because that’s exactly what you should do as this is a very serious situation. You must try to stick your fingers into the fifth gill down, on the right side of the shark (that’s your right, not the shark’s). This starboard gill is the “master” gill that controls all the other gills. Damage this and the rest will shut down and the shark will drown in brine.

Remember this approach won’t work for makos or bronze whalers, as they are mammals and are actually more closely related to seals and dolphins than great whites - not a lot of people know that….

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